If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm, will prevent you from rolling over and going to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the very beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, every one knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, he's been out of work for the past four years and has not even looked for a new job since. All he does is smoke cigars, and cruise around with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he does not even pretend to like me...and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do??
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore... You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one!
On a final note.....
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and genericname.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will sell the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."
Have a good day...