THE ANSWERING MACHINE, A GOOD WAY TO EXPRESS SOME OFF-THE-WALL HUMOR
Here are a few recordings that may produce a chuckle........Answering Machine Messages.
"I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks."
"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."
"The number you've dialed is purely imaginary. Please multiply by one and dial again."
Hi, the answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to the door with one of these magnets that hang around here."
"This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hello, I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise --open a drawer and shuffle stuff around) "Okay, what would you like me to tell me?"
Do you have a favorite that maybe you have on your phone or one you would like to share? Just leave a "comment" Thank you. ........GED........
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
THE ANSWERING MACHINE, A GOOD WAY TO EXPRESS SOME OFF-THE-WALL HUMOR
Click on "after the party", (below) Click "open." Click on each picture and click on "back" at the end. Are these pictures of anyone here? Does this picture look like anyone you know, or remind you of someone you once knew? I'm sure this gives someone flashbacks.
AFTER THE PARTY
<----LOOSE CANNON IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. Have you ever seen this man rattle around almost every piece of nonsense he can think of, while accomplishing absolutely nothing? ....GED....
Monday, July 30, 2007
<<----- A CHARLEY HORSE
Idioms:..We use simple phrases during our everyday life and conversation, kinda "off the cuff" without really thinking as to what they really mean, or to that matter, without thinking at all. Well lets take a look at some of them and think about them for a little while. Here are some samples to take a look at and try to decide just what they might mean or why we say them. Have you ever used or heard these terms?
"There's more than one way to skin a cat.".. Now just how many times do we need to skin a cat?, and do we need to do it differently each time?"
"She looked down her nose at him.".. Well I hope she didn't look up her nose cause then she may have only seen a bugger, and not really him.
"Bright eyed and bushy tailed.".. This can be only one thing... A squirrel on crack!"
"Can I bend your ear for a minute?".. Sure if I can poke your eye!"
"She's a party pooper.".. Not to popular I suppose. Just what does she really do? Poop at a party?"
"He was in a real pickle".. Is it OK to be in an artificial pickle? Just how does one get in and out of a pickle? Pickle doors?"
"It'll cost an arm and a leg.".. Do you really want it that bad to be crippled and without an arm? What can be so important to cause one to do this?"
"I was only pulling your leg.".. Well now I'm only kicking your balls!
These are some thoughts to ponder "till the cows come home." So see ya the next time I look at ya!...........GED.......
For the sexiest male blogger, I will choose the Boogie Man. The boogie man has hair, is tall, dark and handsome, has a nice smile, sexy green eyes and in general is not egotistical.
For the best blogger and blog, I will choose the Fartie. The fartie is always well known and his presence is always endearing, he has hair, has deep content and substance, maintains a special "air" around him and all his materials are such a "gas."
Therefore my votes go for the above.
I now rest my case. .......GED......
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Red flag raised at 13 Saipan beaches
The Division of Environmental Quality has red-flagged 13 beaches on Saipan after samples showed excessive concentrations of fecal indicator bacteria. The affected beaches are the Paupau Beach, Nikko Hotel, Central Repair Shop, DPW Channel Bridge, South Puerto Rico Dump, Smiling Cove Marina, American Memorial Park Drainage, Outer Cove Marina, Drainage #1 (Dai-Ichi Hotel Drainage), Garapan Beach, Civic Center Beach, CK Dist #4 (Lally Beach), and Hopwood School Beach... A great new "impossible dream" revitalization plan for Garapan, but polluted beaches still exist. Aren't you getting as tired of this, as I am? Why don't we just wring hands and cry crocodile tears, and maybe this will just go away.... .....GED.....
First, the lesson for today is about teacher shortage. Read these excerpts first:
Sunday, July 29, 2007..DUE TO FUNDING PROBLEM, TEACHER SHORTAGE...PSS principals, managers to teach classes full-time. For the first time in many years, public school principals and administrators will be performing double duty this coming school year: running their schools and teaching classes full-time. This has come about because the cash-strapped Public School System does not have enough money to hire the complete number of teachers it needs to man the schools. Due to the lack of teachers, some schools such as Garapan Elementary School will be closing one kindergarten class and six other rooms. Also read the whole story here.... Your lesson assignment ... Now that we have had our lesson and read our assignment, here is the question.. WHY THE HELL DO WE HAVE LOBBYISTS AND PUBLICISTS IN WASHINGTON D.C.?..... Your next assignment: To ask the people we elected to run our business, why this happens, who is responsible for this mess and what they might do about it. You are now dismissed for today.... .....GED......
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Simon knew, by the statistics he had read, that wearing seat belts were very effective in the saving of lives and reducing the chances of injury. He also learned that by applying this new technique of "buckling the belts" greatly reduced the chances of an accident ever happening at all. He calls it the "no more annoying, attention taking, constant chattering noise suppressing technique." This allows the driver to be able to pay full attention to the task of driving the car and not hearing the constant flow of distracting babble coming from the passenger seat. This method should be applied to all autos with a motor mouth companion in the passenger seat. Also this is a great advantage in hearing the radio and and other "traffic" sounds. A modern improvment in traffic safety indeed. ......GED.......
After watching the news Friday eve, this is how I feel it must be like in D.C. for the "we don't even want any labor and immigration reforms in the CNMI" group. Out in the cold and in the shit house at best. You would think by now they would be receiving, at least, some subtle clues that their stubborn stance isn't working. Hell, I can even figure that out by my own little self, why can't they? Blockheads, that's what they are. Go ahead, don't get any say as to what happens, don't have any input in the process that eventually will take place, go ahead, stay in the outhouse and let the rest of the world roll on by. No, don't add any ideas as to what might help, don't cooperate with them, just stick to your narrow point of view and let them dictate what is best for you, it will happen with or without you. Enough said. .....GED......
Friday, July 27, 2007
In other words, brain exercise. How many of these do you know the answers to?
<--- A book worm looking for the answers.
- Why are there "no shoplifting" signs? Are there other places where it's okay?
- How come psychics never win the lottery?
- When people go to the bathroom, why do they say they'll be right back? Do they ever stay?
- Where do Hawaiians go on vacation?
- What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk?
- If necessity is the mother of invention, how come we have so much useless crap?
- If we don't say "amen," does God just keep on listening?
- How do you blow a French kiss?
- Wouldn't it be easier to take, say, strained peas from a baby?
- How come so many good-looking faces are wasted on ugly people?
- Why don't we ever drop flowers on other countries to let them know that we love them?
- Why do we call it a walk when the batter jogs to first base and becomes a runner?
- When your palm itches, it means that you're about to make money. What does it mean when your balls itch?
- What do you call tights that are too loose?
Square watermelons, guess they will go with a square meal, don't ya think? The caption for the picture....Square watermelons, A round watermelon can take up a lot of room in a refrigerator, and the usually round fruit often sits awkwardly on refrigerator shelves. Smart Japanese farmers have forced their watermelons to grow into a square shape by inserting the melons into square, tempered glass cases while the fruit is still growing on the vine. Therefore shaping the melons into square shapes. Probably is a plus when it comes to packing and shipping too. I though you might be interested. .....GED......
Thursday, July 26, 2007
This will creep up on you faster then you may have ever imagined.
- You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
- You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
- You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
- The phone rings and you hope its not for you.
- You enjoy watching the news.
- You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style --TWICE.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
- The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.
- You can't remember the last time your I.D. was checked.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find out if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
No, I did not make these up. These are legitimate but quite amusing.........GED........
This seems to be the consensus of everything I'm reading in the news these days, all concerning federalization and immigration. So what does the following mean?.....The leadership of the Saipan Chamber of Commerce expressed fear that, if granted non immigrant visas, thousands of long-term nonresident workers and their families could be “an immense burden” to the CNMI. (A) “Such action allows these individuals the right to remain in the Commonwealth (or, (B) for that matter, relocate to the mainland United States) for purposes of living and working. ?? ?? This action would allow the right to immigrate family members to the Commonwealth under “immediate relative” status. We have estimated that approximately 8,000 current workers in the Commonwealth would qualify for such status. There are two possible outcome scenarios under this grandfather clause, and neither is good,” said Guerrero. He said allowing almost 8,000 individuals “to remain-and to immigrate immediate relatives to join them, for the long-term-are profoundly negative for the Commonwealth.” Or, “They could simply move to the continental United States in search of higher-paying job opportunities, thereby depriving the vast majority of [CNMI] employers of the qualified and experienced labor pool that they have, for years, paid and treated fairly in accordance with CNMI law under the provisions of the Covenant,” the Chamber official said........But on the other hand the legislature is passing laws to send every worker home in three years... So what is it, are they gonna stay or leave? So confusing, are you now as confused as I am? Pass out the Prozac, roll a joint, or find a way to keep from running scared. Me? I don't even give a shit either way, so don't bother me with this mess, its all yours. Find a way to only worry about only one outcome, so there is some hope at least. STAY OR LEAVE, COME OR GO, GO AND WE'LL CRY, STAY AND WE'LL SEND YOU HOME, WHAT THE SHIT. MAKE UP YOUR LITTLE MINDS. .......GED.......
You have gone through years of waiting, first for your lot to be finally turned over to you, you hired a competent architect to design the dream home you were so anxiously awaiting for, a deal with a local contractor is finally signed and you are now ready to see your long awaited and hard fought for dream home to materialize...Finally, Whew, mission accomplished at long last. Your dream is about to develop before your very eyes. Day one, the contractor is going to start the most important phase of your life. You're there a 5:00 A.M. anxious for everything to proceed just like you have planned for so long, all the tough bumps in the road now, somehow, seem trivial, your time has arrived. D-Day. Sure enough the contractor is here, right on time, but alas, your jaw drops, he doesn't have an experienced crew of masons, carpenters, electricians, plumbers etc, but instead a crew made up of "legislated" workers, inexperienced, only having a job due to "status," workers placed there by laws to give jobs to people, not because of their skills, but only because of their local stature. Now you have to stand there and watch your dreams come crashing down around you as these inept "workers" go to work with no clues as how to build our dream. Scary isn't it? This is way your new labor reform bill will work for you. SO THE QUESTION IS, IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? WELL THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE GONNA BE GETTING.
Now don't bother bothering me with this, for I'm only the messenger, answer the question for yourself. That's all. ......GED.....
Monday, July 23, 2007
AND NOW THIS, TO ALL YOU UNDERWATER EXPLORERS,
WHAT IS THIS?
Don't ask me, I'm asking you, all I have is this caption...
Photographers capture 'space alien' ocean creatures.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Although not complete yet this new building in Dubai is now the tallest building in the world, and is still growing. Some information about this new development.....
DUBAI, United Arab Emirates — Developers of a 1,680-foot skyscraper still under construction in oil-rich Dubai claimed Saturday that it has become the world's tallest building, surpassing Taiwan's Taipei 101 which has dominated the global skyline at 1,667 feet since 2004. The Burj Dubai is expected to be finished by the end of 2008 and its planned final height has been kept secret. The state-owned development company Emaar Properties, one of the main builders in rapidly developing Dubai, said only that the tower would stop somewhere above 2,275 feet. When completed, the skyscraper will feature more than 160 floors, 56 elevators, luxury apartments, boutiques, swimming pools, spas, exclusive corporate suites, Italian fashion designer Giorgio Armani's first hotel, and a 124th floor observation platform. A "monumental" building at best. This is another of my picks. .....GED.....
Friday, July 20, 2007
Michael Vick, Atlanta Falcons star quarterback has brought dog fighting to the front pages of the news. Although this is getting most of the attention today, I would like to bring some other fighting animals into focus. Cock fighting is seen right here in the CNMI while human beating and bashing is prevalent in Guam. I personally don't approve of any of this savageries. While cocks and dogs are fought till death, the 'human' counterparts are even more disgusting, beating each other senseless and to the point of brain damage. My question is, for what, a little glory, some money or some foolish sense of pride?
I think we all could do without any of this brutal, animalistic exibitions. What think ye? ....GED....
Search Results for "RED and FLAG and BEACHES": Your search has returned 175 results... This is page 1 of 7.. Date..
Thursday, July 19, 2007
excerpts ....Senate Democrats had staged an all-night debate, complete with cots for lawmakers to sleep off the Senate floor, in a dramatic attempt to wear down Republicans who refuse to vote to begin to bring troops home by fall.
Republicans responded with a yawn — agreeing to stay around and respond to any votes that might be scheduled around-the-clock but remaining steadfast in their opposition to the Democrats' anti-war legislation.
After the vote, Reid temporarily pulled the defense authorization bill that also includes pay raises for service members, missile defense programming, rules on habeas corpus rights for Guantanamo Bay detainees, equipment development plans and other policies that help shape the military spending bill for the coming fiscal year. ( I'm taking my ball and leaving! See.)
Reid later said the bill's temporary demise will not harm ongoing military operations and would not delay improvements at Walter Reed or delay the 3.5 percent military pay raise also included in the bill.... Now before all you indignant Democratic supporters get your bowls in an uproar, I 'm not saying the Republicans got it right either, (Congress has only a 14% approval rating) All I'm saying is these democrats are proving themselves to be no better than what was there before, Kinda like the CNMI, And probably focuses a picture of the next presidential election, It'll be the same silly shit. .....GED.....
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
CAN'T BE DISPUTED, COMMON SENSE AT IT'S BEST
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody been under there since!!!... "So very simple, and dang good common sense too. .....GED......