Saturday, December 8, 2007

836- HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

THESE ARE EATING TIPS NOT DIETING TIPS
Holiday Tips
I hate
some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts...eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot is something you leave for Rudolph.
I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can...and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Holiday Time!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free...lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, woman! (Unless it was my Mom's
fruitcake, then you have to have two thin slices. Must've been the rum she soaked it in for 2 months.)
10. And one final tip If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
So pig out and enjoy, the diet comes later.
.....GED.....

9 comments:

GREG CRUZ said...

Hey Doucherich,
I see it clearly now, you’re the parasite who leeches of people’s opinions for humor. You get a kick out of this nonsense soap opera crap. Man, you are a sick old man who has nothing else better to do other than read other peoples mail, peep through keyholes, or windows just for kicks, probably a peeping tom, or preys on young children via chat. I know your kind Psycho and judging from those eyeballs looks like you had a hard time being disciplined growing up, seems like you got whacked once to many behind the head and most likely brains are lopsided that’s why you have such an idiotic blog and you do what you do Psycho.

Esta later Douchebag, got important, serious, intelligent, common sensed people to meet with and don’t worry I won’t mention you, but I’ll warn them about 558, especially if they have children who are on the internet.

glend558 said...

A well spoken response. I admire your ability to disciss things as a self-proclaimed leader. Your brilliant views are exceeded only by your pleasnt personality.
You will be a profound leader one day and with this type of rhetoric you will succeed in all your endeavors..

bigsoxfan said...

My price is going up. A weeks worth of diapers (soiled), all the neo-nazi's for Greg and Two (2) bottles of Tanduay. I need the T, for the eggnog, I'll have to make from scratch.

glend558 said...

No Deal...

glend558 said...

I want to hear Mr. Steeles comment here... I know he loves TTT

me said...

Mr. D., since Greg's father in law is his father's brother, does that make him a redneck?

glend558 said...

Nope, Makes him a hillbilly...

metoo said...

Since Greg Cruz's Son-in-law to be is from Western Samoa (an alien in Saipan) does that make him a hypocrite?

glend558 said...

Yup, If the boy gets a job...
That would make him an alien worker wouldn't it? So screw him...
He'd better go home!
This according to Cruz...