Tuesday, October 30, 2007



This is one of the funniest accounts of a chili cook-off contest that I've ever read. It brings tears to the eyes and a twinge of gas to the ass, just reading this one.
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1-
Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2- Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -Exciting BBQ flavor, seriously needs more peppers.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Add more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4- Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili, too much reliance on dried peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8- Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the entire pot of chili down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
Are you ready for some chili, some really hot chili, a little chili here a little chili there, chili chili everywhere.. Poor Frank.


Bruce A. Bateman said...

I've eaten some of that chile. While I love a good and hot spicy chile, I just don't enjoy one so hot it hurts. And some of them too heavy on the habaneros do HURT.

We had a chile contest at Porkys for Cinqo de Mayo. Small turnout, not very good chile compared with chile contests I have attended and judged at in the SW of the US. Passable, but not really great chile. Well, there is always next year's contest.


glend558 said...

So good to see you writing again, Bruce. Did you ever come to a conclusion as what your computer glitches were and are they fixed now?

Bruce A. Bateman said...

No , Glen, your site still causes thie home network computers to drop all visuals.

I',m heading down to Porky's for our big Halloween Party in a few minutes so will try it there. I never did do that so need to find out for sure what is causing it.

Other than yours dropping photos and Boni's loading slowly. Everything else works fine and fast. Maybe a gremlin (and I don't mean AMC). Remember the Gremln "X"? Fast little bugger, and short coupled too. Honkin' V8 in that little econobox. WHew.