Tuesday, November 6, 2007


How To Poop At Work:
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2007 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
You have now been informed as to the proper way of handling all possible situations of pooping at work. If you have encountered any other situations not mentioned here please inform us of them...


bigsoxfan said...

For this one, I right clicked on the date of your comment which allowed me to copy a shortcut to the link, then pasted it here.

On Randy's I used a "create a link" which Jeff T has enabled on his blog. Then I pasted that into my comment at Steele's beach. Right clicking is the bomb, simple and versatile.

SteeleOnSaipan said...

Well call me beligerant but I go the other route. Walk out of bathroom, big smile and spraying air freshener even outside the bathroom door. Follow that up with a Jim Carrey "whewwwww, do not go in there!"

bigsoxfan said...

Randy, In Maine, you would be know as a sportsman.

Glenn, Here is another link, like the one to steeles beach
Saipan and other random hypercritical thoughts: New Rules for the CNMI, MV 10
Well, I'll be damned this one didn't come out like the first. The trouble with these shortcuts is there are so damned many ways to do it, you forgot how. Let me try again.

bigsoxfan said...

Well, crap (appropas for this post) it did come out the way we wanted. Note these two symbols <>, bracketing your link code in these will create a hypertext link in your text, clicking on it or doubling clicking, whichever strikes your fancy, will send you directly to the address. This isn't always allowed, but works more often than not. I'm going to try with my first comment and see if it works. http://welovesaipan-bigsoxfan.blogspot.com/2007/11/yes-this-is-who-you-think-it-is.html#c1107247152051245643 Nope didn't work, not accepted.

Back to Jeff's link. Just after the date and comments block, there are the words "links to this post" Click on that and another page opens, below the orginal post will be the words "create a link" Click, copy and paste that info and you should have created a clickable link.

I'm not sure if Jeff has something special enabled or I'm just missing something with my other way of linking. I'll play around somemore. If you find a clickable link to my page later tonight, you know it works on other pages.

bigsoxfan said...

Can't seem to make a hypertext link from a comment. The google god won't accept it. you can link to a post with a hypertext link, but for comments cut and paste only

glend558 said...

BSF Your first link worked blue letters, only it was to jeff again. I did find the 'creat a link' spot below the post. I'll play with it too and see what I can come up with.

bigsoxfan said...

Just don't become a frequent flyer or an uncle ted. By the way, the whole issue of your post is moot in UB, we're happy to find paper in some proximity to the throne of comfort. The seat of ease,